Nothing much new to report today, except that I’ve noticed a couple of trends.
The first change relates to weight loss. From Day Three to Day Seven, I lost weight extremely consistently – at the rate of .5 kg per day – whereas over the past three days (since Day Eight) this has reduced to a consistent .4 kg per day: something I’m rather glad about, given my general lack of fat stores! I know daily weight loss is supposed to gradually lessen as the fast lengthens. I’m interested to see to what extent this pattern develops over the remaining eleven days.
The other change has been to my eyesight. I know from previous fasts how vision improves, with the whole world seeming to sparkle. Over the past couple of days, though, a deeper change has taken place. Although the long distance vision in my right eye is perfect, my left eye has gradually lost total clarity at similar distances over the past couple of years. In parallel, while my left eye maintains a decent focus at short range, the closest focal point for my right eye has gradually wandered further into the distance, to the point that I’ve considered getting reading glasses. Things have changed now. I noticed my left eye’s improvement already three or four days ago, but now I realise that my right eye is as capable of focussing at close range as my left eye!
Another thing: since returning here yesterday, I’ve noticed that something inside me resists surrendering to being while in the house. It somehow feels dead to me, even suffocating to a degree, when I’m not engaged in doing. Sometimes I even begin to feel slightly uneasy and then begin to miss the family. On the other hand, I love being / being outside, and today I just sat for hours again, at one with the natural surroundings. I think the crux of the matter is that the house isn’t living, whereas the world outside is. The house is manmade, artificial, dead. Obviously, nature is the precise opposite! Increasingly, I’ve felt something similar over the past year in the city as well, except that I’ve tended to formulate it as: ‘I need to be outside in order to feel alive’. Outside, I can become expansive and one with nature and her living flow – a flow which is itself a direct expression of the flow of the entire universe. But when I’m indoors it’s much harder to feel this and make a connection. As a result, when I can’t surrender to being, I feel cut off and alone. Perhaps the reason that I begin to think of Réka and the kids is to compensate for this isolation. I need nature. But really, this is something I don’t want to have to rely on! I need to learn to look more deeply within myself and find Oneness, so I’m not dependent on it from the outside world. I know it’s there; I’ve experienced it. But I don’t have access ‘on demand’.
Actually, this is an important point for me. Over the past year, long distance trail running has become a meditation for me, frequently becoming an outwardly directed samadhi with nature and the outside world. I should take care that it doesn’t displace inner samadhi. I find it relatively easy to be One with the universe, but harder to be One with myself. But both are equally important.